I’m a few minutes from leaving my 20s forever. It feels surreal. I mean, it is a third of my life, passing quietly away as the darkness fades to dawn. Do I have any regrets? Why should I? I was given much in this time. My husband, three children, several children I will meet one day, my love for writing. I have been given much indeed.
Regrets need have no place in my reflections, but I have also left behind much darkness. Depression, suicidal thoughts, deep emotional pain, loss, grief, feelings of abandonment, rage, hopelessness. I’m not saying these are only a permanent fixture of the past. Of course I will face most of these, if not all, again, repeatedly throughout my life. But my Redeemer lives-he is near me in suffering. No matter how much I’ve tried to ignore him or rail at him or demand of him- he has never left me. With my little suffering has come great hope that I will never be outside his care. What has threatened to strip me of life has instead, sometimes in a slow, painful crawl, illuminated his loving faithfulness to me.
I have had many weaknesses in which I can brag about his strength. He’s also given me the seeming paradox of chayil–I have resources, dignity, and force. I will wield my strength in confidence because the Author of my life is great and makes good things. I’m so glad I’m me. I’m so glad I’m his. And I’m learning to laugh at the times to come.
30, bring it on. I’m ready for you.